Are all capable of a relationship?
About the types of attachment: There are people who have everything as if it were “self”: the relationship is healthy, long and stable, family problems not only appear but are resolved. But there are those who have “everything is complicated”.
Or the couple can not be found, or the partners are “problematic”, or the relationship breaks off, or the pair is there, but there is no stability and reliability, or in general one does not get a pair, but a triple …
From the point of view of psychology, the problem is in the capacity for intimacy: some can withstand a long and stable relationship, but for others it is scary. They need something to approach, then move away; then ask for love and support, then repel.
The ability to build relationships is laid down from childhood. Depending on what kind of relationship was with the mother, we have formed this or that type of attachment. From this very type depends on how we will behave in a relationship.
Scientists discovered this fact when they found out that children react differently to temporary separation from their mother. Psychologists could not resist the temptation to divide children into several types.
Later it turned out that it is these psychological types that determine how a person will build a love relationship.
Mom left – the child was upset, my mother came – was happy. To strangers, these children are wary, but if the mother is nearby, the child is able to communicate with the new person.
This type is formed in case the child received from the mother enough emotional support and a sense of security next to her. If the mother was reliable and predictable, the child concludes: “The relationship is safe and pleasant.”
In adulthood, such children easily build relationships, are not afraid to trust a partner. They are able to withstand affinity, reliably attach themselves to another and do not give up a loved one about or without.
What mom leaves, what comes – anyway. But such children are not afraid of strangers, they communicate peacefully and easily with them. It’s as if they are close to each other.
Many mothers rejoice in this behavior, they call children “independent.” Only these children are in despair. They were denied support when it was needed, and it hurt them so much that they learned not to ask.
External “independence” is a defense against pain of rejection. This type appears in the child, for example, if the mother could not be around – was ill or had to go to work early. Or my mother was physically present, but emotionally she was not up to the child. This happens if she was depressed or if the child was unwanted. Avoiding type is formed even when the child is guarded and controlled, but at the same time insensitive to his needs.
As in an anecdote: “Mom, why is it time for me to go home? I’m hungry? “-” No, son, you’re cold! “. So the child learns or does not understand their own desires, or hide them from others (after all, no one cares).
The conclusion from childhood is this: “no one can be trusted.”
With them, it is difficult to establish long-term close relationships. They constantly run away – either physically or emotionally. They do not have the habit of asking for support, they do not talk about when they feel bad. Such people are easier when no one depends on anyone, when there is no one particularly important and meaningful. Or is there, but not for long. To get love and not get too attached.
An alarming type
These are children who, during separation from their mother, fell into hysterics. And when she came again, the children from this group behaved indifferently or aggressively: as if they were offended by her absence and did not want to show that she was important.
This type appears in the case of unpredictability of the mother: if she rejects something, then brings it closer, if she can praise the child for one and the same action, and another time she can be punished. The conclusion is simple: “proximity is unstable, fragile and unpredictable.” Relationships for such people are always accompanied by a feeling of intense anxiety.
They are sensitive to any criticism, they search for a dirty trick, they doubt the feelings of a partner. Yes, yes, the question “Do you love me?” 150 times a day – just about this type of affection.
Such a person spends a lot of effort on trying to make everything around predictable and stable. Such people are afraid of the new, cling to the familiar, try to hedge and double-check. For them, the constancy is so important that they retain even destructive relations – just not to interrupt.
But these children are unpredictable: they repel Mom, then attract, then ignore. Logic in the behavior could not be found, it looked as if the children themselves did not understand their desires.
Actually, so this type of attachment is arranged: a person and strives for intimacy, and at the same time, she is afraid. About what and reports through behavior to the bewildering partner.
The signals of such people are contradictory, it is impossible to understand what they want. Immediate emotions are so exciting that they can severely injure a partner or even break off relations, because they could not cope with their own feelings.
They find it difficult to console themselves and “slow down” their emotions. This type appears most often in situations of abuse. And for the child’s psyche, “ill-treatment” is not only aggression or intimidation. This is also indifference.
The parents of these children rarely gave the signals of attachment, so these kids simply do not have the experience of the relationship. For them, intimacy is a periodic outbreak of strong, multidirectional feelings. Without any logic, but with a fair amount of pain.
Attachment types should not be divided into “good” and “bad.” Yes, the anxious type is “strangled” with love, but such people know how to feel the importance of another, to show their indifference.
Avoiding type is beautiful in that it gives freedom in relations, develops interest in the world. And relations with this type can even be built, just at a certain distance. And with representatives of a disorganized type, you certainly do not get bored!
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